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Date: 28 April 2014. Sadder and Wiser.
Guest author Eliza in New England.

This piece is for The Writer's Block. It's written by a website guest in response to the problems of finding someone to love (and lust) after a certain age. Comments are encouraged.

The article Dating after Decades spoke to me. I am divorced and it's awfully hard to be a woman who has passed through the nubile stage of life and essentially become invisible to men. Though I am looking for that special fellow, there is the realization that my shape isn't the greatest. I'm older, Reubenesque, have some wrinkles and am no longer young.

Plus I've been rejected by a husband who promised to love me forever, so I will grant you that I'm a bit gun-shy. I'll also admit to yearning to be touched but the thought of being naked in front of someone terrifies me!

Norman Rockwell captures young love: (was it ever that idyllic?)

One afternoon a couple months ago I was riding in a car with a neighbor (he's married) and when I got out of his vehicle he gently touched my back to guide me towards the business we were going into. It struck me that I could not recall the last time anyone had touched me outside of a doctor's office.

That's when I decided to take the bull by the horns and find someone who could want me.

Men my age are generally single for any number of reasons:

  1. Some are walking wounded.

  2. Many are burned out.

  3. There are those who chose solitude.

  4. A few are pigs.

But one of my bankers seemed nice, and when he asked me out I accepted.

Soon (date three) I succumbed to passion with him and spent the night at his house. Maybe I was too "easy" ... men are allowed and encouraged to have needs. Women are not. It was lovely to be with a man again, though a bit awkward too. But I liked it.

The next morning he had work (I'm retired) so out I went with a cup of coffee. Ditto the next few times I spent the night.

It was difficult to get past the nerves of being naked in front of that man but I did it. The sex got better after the first couple of times too -- likely because of a familiarity that developed. He was a good partner, passionate and considerate, plus imaginative! :)

Then I came to another realization: There is far too much I don't know about men in this millennium. I really don't. I'm not sure how to please a man any more. Specifically, how do I make him want to spend more time with me in places other than the bedroom?


Socializing is well illustrated by Norman Rockwell's painting "And the Symbol of Welcome is Light"

You see, he never took me out in public. Always we went to his house and though the sex is fine, I'd like more. I'd like to spend time with him doing ordinary things like cooking dinner, sharing drinks at a nightclub, meeting his friends, etc.

My banker NEVER had me visit except when he had a specific task to do the next morning. I'm not saying I wanted to spend entire days with him, but getting the bum's rush out the door wasn't so nice either.

I was not invited to his place on the weekend. Though he didn't live with anyone (I did spend the night after all) I suspect he has a girl friend that he would stay with on weekends. My mind thinks she's young, gorgeous and all that I once was. :(

It seems like he only wanted me in the bedroom and though it was comfortable there and pleasurable too it was also sad to know that was all I was:  a passionate playmate, unworthy of more.

Norman Rockwell painting "After the Prom" reminds me of the the shared joys of love when younger:

I was good enough (which you advocate repeatedly in your articles) but not for him, at least not in public. Good enough for sex, but not for those strolls through the woods, no trips to the local Italian restaurant, nor the local movie house.

At this point I'm sadder and wiser. I chose poorly a man who only saw me for a sex partner. And no, I'm not asking that he profess undying love, propose and marry me.  I just wanted to be enjoyed outside of the bedroom of his home.

I'm also ashamed to admit that if he called tomorrow I'd want to see him. He's a kind and thoughtful lover -- but only when I'm there. I suppose I am convenient.

Next time I have to find someone that wants me on weekends too. Do you have any advice in that regard?

Thank you for allowing me to vent -- somehow I hope an internet stranger might be able to offer advice that a friend cannot. And anyways, I don't want my friends to know what an idiot I was. Opening my heart and getting naked was scary enough.

Eliza in New England.

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Categories: Characters, Relationships, The Writer's Block

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